Pulp Naruto
by JustLikePagliacciDid
Summary: One precious briefcase. Two gangster ninjas. One vengeful woman. More ninjas. And Tsunade in really, really tight clothes. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Chapter 1

**PULP   
-  
NARUTO**

**The Briefcase**

"I heard it was because he gave her a foot massage," Naruto said, musingly, as he walked down the hall. Sasuke was meticulously counting the doors. They were in a small apartment on the edge of the city, a dingy place occupied by immigrants and criminals, with a landlord who didn't ask questions. "You do _not_ mess with the Hokage's women," continued Naruto. "You'll get whacked for looking at 'em funny." Sasuke was fighting the urge to send his fist directly into his blond companion's nose. "But I hear Tsunade is his favorite. If you even _touch_ Tsunade, you'll get the shuriken-in-the-balls…"

"We're here," said Sasuke, dryly. They were standing in front of Apartment 402, on the third floor. Naruto looked at his watch.

"It's not quite time yet. Also, I heard that-"

"I think it's close enough," said Sasuke, resisting urge to kill his companion. The blond shrugged and knocked on the door. A few moments passed, and a dark-skinned man wearing a Hitai-ate and a sweatshirt answered. Naruto grinned wolfishly and pushed in, emerging into a room occupied by two other ninjas, who were lounging about, eating burgers.

"Hey everybody!" Naruto said, cheerfully. The largest of the ninjas was sitting at a table in the center of the room, a burger, fries, and drink from a local fast food joint sitting upon it. They were clerely surprised, staring at the suited duo that had suddenly invaded their apartment. Sasuke quickly circled to the back of the room. "Now," began Naruto, circling the table. "Do you know who we are?"

"N-no?" offered one, nervously.

"I see," said Naruto. "We work for the Hokage of the Leaf Gang. Now, our boss is a generous man, very generous. Normally, he'd let people like you live. Why not? You kept up your end the bargain." Naruto turned around, hands clasped behind his back. "Hey, that looks like a good burger. Mind if I take a bite?"

"Uh… no problem?" offered the ninja, nervously.

"Thanks," Naruto replied, and picked up the burger. He took a bite and chewed for a long time, before thoughtfully commenting, "Now that's a fine burger. I don't get to eat burgers very often these days… my girlfriend's a vegan, which pretty much means I'm a vegan, too." He paused. "Mind if I wash it down?"

"Go ahead…"

Naruto downed the entire soda with one swallow. He put it down. "Now, where was I?"

"Do we have to go through all of this?" Sasuke asked from the kitchen, lighting up a cigarette.

"Shut the fuck up, Sasuke." He turned back to his victim. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah, our boss. Anyway, he'd a cool dude, she really is. Although… I must ask… what does he look like?"

"What?" asked the ninja, confused.

"I said,_ what does he look like?_" demanded Naruto, gesticulating with his hands.

"He's Asian?"

"Yes…"

"He's tall?"

"Yes… Does he look like a bitch?"

"What?"

"Does he **look** like a **bitch**?!"

"No! No!"

"_Then don't fuck him like one!_" howled Naruto.

"What?!"

"I think you know what I mean. In fact, I can see it your face. Where's the briefcase?" In a smooth motion, Naruto drew his knife and pressed it the ninja's throat.

"What?" asked the man, quivering with fear.

Naruto took his knife and jammed it into the man's hand. He screamed. "Say what one more time," snarled Naruto. "I fucking dare you."

"Please," whimpered the man.

"Where's the briefcase?" demanded Naruto.

"It's… it's in the cupboard in the kitchen." Sasuke opened a pair of doors over the oven, looking in expressionlessly. "No, no, the ones at your feet." Sasuke knelt down and found it quickly. As he checked the contents, his face was briefly bathed in a soft golden glow. A low, sonorous tone emanated from the briefcase. He seemed almost… mesmerized for a few seconds before Naruto called, "Earth to Sasuke! Earth to Sasuke!"

He rapidly closed the briefcase and sealed the lock at either end. "It's all here."

"Now look," said the ninja, nervously, "We had the best intentions. We really didn't mean any-"

"Shut the fuck up," he said, pushing the barrel of the gun to the ninja's forehead. "So what your name?"

"Uh… Quentin?"

"Quentin! A fine name! Do you read the Bible, Quentin?"

"N-no?"

"I see, I see… There's this one passage I like, Ezekiel 17:25. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know **my name is the Lord** when I lay my vengeance upon **thee.**'"

There was a pause "It's Ezekiel 25:17, Naruto," Sasuke said.

"Shut the fuck up, Sasuke! Now, Quentin, our boss plays fair. But fair goes both ways – you _always_ get what you deserve. And for you… the sentence is death!"

Blood sprayed across the apartment walls.

-


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** This chapter preread by Kamikaze Wraith, as was the first one. W00t.

Don't ask me why they're using cars. Ask Kishimoto why they're using computers and refrigerators.

**Pulp   
-  
Naruto**

**Chapter 2:  
Kill Sasuke**

"So I said to her, 'Bitch, go make me a sandwhich,'" Naruto continued, waving his hands about.

"And?" asked Sasuke.

"She threw a dart at me," finished Naruto, sourly.

"So?"

There was a silence.

"What?"

"I thought you said this was a funny story."

"I did?"

There was a silence. Sasuke rolled his eyes. They rolled down the street in Sasuke's perfectly waxed blood-red Corvette, matching the color of his eyes when he was in _deus ex machina_ mode. It was late afternoon in the city, and the school kids were out: shopping, partying, necking, and so on. Technically, Naruto and Sasuke were kids as well, but they had dead bodies in the trunk and were indisposed to involve themselves.

"So, anyway, I ended up making the sandwich, and she said, _Dude, wtf, I didn't want mayonnaise on this thing!_ And I said, _Whatever, bitch,_ and then she threw another dart at me." There was a pause. "So, what'dya think of the debate yesterday?"

Sasuke looked out the window, trying to distract himself from Naruto's mindless rambling. The shops were out with the latest summer fashions, though Sasuke intended to stick with his good old suit, although it needed frequent cleansing. It was increasingly difficult to convince the drycleaners that it was just red ink on it. Naruto, on the other hand, was more unpredictable. He would probably end up in an orange jumpsuit and sandals next.

Sasuke looked up. He saw the ninja just in time to slam the accelerator and run a red light. The claw-chain hit the trunk, spraying bits of corpse onto the other cars. Screams came from the pedestrians, scattering like deer. An amusing whimper from Naruto, as he was thrown back into his seat. A screech from the tires, steam rising from the ground. The Chevy rushed passed the other vehicles, spraying gore from its open trunk.

Another assassin jumped in front of the car, carrying a shotgun. Sasuke ran him over and flew. A turn; pushing ninety, Sasuke pulled a hard right; the car skidded, smashing into a café. Diners scattered. More assassins came in. Sasuke floored it; the shuriken flew into the café; screams and blood.

His car took off again, into a narrow alley. A pair of motorcycles appeared in the rear view mirror.

"Duck!" yelled Sasuke. Naruto complied just in time to avoid the chain-claws as they flew through the rear window and the windshield. Naruto leapt back up, flinging shuriken into the assassin's tires.

They escaped the alley and took off down a busy street. The crack of a sniper's bullet exiting its barrel; a tire blowing out. Suddenly, the corvette was careening out of control, even as Sasuke wrestled with the steering wheel, sending the car spiraling towards the subway entrance.

_bump bump bump bump bump bump_

Sasuke had never felt whiplash before, but he had an idea of what it might feel like; the car stumbled down the subway entrance; less agile pedestrians were crushed. There was, as always, a great deal of screaming.

The base of the stairs. The car slammed into a pillar. The airbags deployed, threatening to smother their owner and his passenger. Sasuke and Naruto quickly climbed out the shattered windows and examined the damage.

"FUCK!" yelled Sasuke, glancing at the line of smashed corpses on the stairway. "My insurance will never cover this!"

Naruto glanced at a couple of girls cowering at the other end of the subway station. He produced a comb from his suit and attempted to master his unruly hair. Having failed utterly, he approached the terrified teenagers. "Hello _ladies_," he said, smoothly.

"Uh… hi?" offered the bravest of the three.

Sasuke reached into to the smashed back of the corvette and grabbed the briefcase.

"When's the next train?" Sasuke yelled at Naruto.

Naruto took no interest and continued to talk up the girl.

Ninjas charged down the stairway, shocking Naruto out of his horny lustfest. He turned and began to fight, kicking and punching furiously.

Ninjas dropped. The girls hid beneath a bench, screaming. Naruto and Sasuke took cover behind pillars, flinging knives and shuriken at the ninjas. Naruto's new paramour was dragged with him, and she ducked beneath the pillar with the blond. Moans from the wounded. There was a distant rumble. More ninjas. The train continued to approach. 'Get to the train!' Sasuke yelled to Naruto, but his voice was stolen by the thunder.

The bright light of the train's headlight illuminated the tunnel. The car approached, filled with unsuspecting bystandards. They became suspecting when the wave of knives pierced the window. The panicked silhouettes rushed about silently for several moments, and then the first window went, a shower of glass and lethal pellets. There were screams has bodies were torn apart. The doors popped open, and Sasuke dived for inside, closely followed by his comrade. Just as they escaped, a stray round hit Naruto in the ground. The new girl dragged him along, behind the closing doors of the subway.

-

The girl bound Naruto's wound with a strip of cloth. Sasuke panted, supporting himself on his knees. Naruto groaned, indiscriminately cursing Buddha, God, Mohammad, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The survivors on the subway crouched in the corners, crying, whimpering, or just staring. Children wailed from somewhere in another car.

"What the hell?!" demanded Naruto.

"They wanted the briefcase," explained Sasuke.

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know? I don't even know who they are."

"What's in the case that they want so bad?"

"I'm not at liberty to say."

"No fuckin' way."

"Hey, you know how it is. Kakashi would have my ass if I told you."

"What the hell are you saying? Are you saying I'm not trustworthy?"

"No," said Sasuke, wearily.

"Then why the hell does no one tell me anything?!" demanded Naruto.

Sasuke looked away.

Naruto grimaced as the girl tied the bandages. The girl was short, with a bob of dark hair and soft eyes. "Whatever. We have to be ready to kill these mofos at the next stop, if the MPs don't have their asses yet."

"We don't have enough ammo, dumbass. If you weren't such a sex fiend and had gotten the spare shurikens, we wouldn't be in the situation."

"Hey, unlike you, I have some _chivalry_. I never leave a lady unattended."

There was a loud moan from a middle-aged man who had lost his arm.

"Shut the fuck up!" yelled Naruto. He turned back in the Sasuke. "Look, these guys definitely aren't Kohona-types. The Hokage's had the clans under his thumb since forever. They have to be from outside."

"Where is outside?" Sasuke asked. "It's a broad definition."

A door opened and shut. A girl with short, pink hair, green eyes, and large katana stepped into the room. She was wearing a yellow leisure suit, complete with a yellow motorcycle helmet. Sasuke recognized her instantly. She recognized Sasuke instantly.

"You!" they shouted at once, and jumped into fighting stances.

"Holy shit," said Naruto. "Sakura, is that you?"

She ignored him. All of her energy was focused on Sasuke. "I'm going to kill you," she snarled.

"I killed and I'm going to do it again," replied Sasuke.

"I'm feeling some major negative energy in the room," offered the girl.

"What the fuck is going on?!" demanded Naruto. "Sakura, what is the fuckin' meaning of this?"

"This mofo has it coming," insisted the pinkhead.

"No more than you do," said Sasuke.

The girl stood up. "My name is Hinata, and I'm a minor in applied psychology. Let's just talk this out, and maybe-"

"Shut up, Hinata." said the pinkhead. Hinata, rebuffed, sat back down.

"Look," Naruto said, "Let's think about this. By now, every cop this side of the river is looking for us. Now, you two can duke it out there and get dragged away by the MPs, or you can sit down, take cover, and escape."

"Shut up, Naruto," said Sasuke.

"Well, I tried," said Naruto, who kissed Hinata.

The subway train began to slow...

**To Be Continued**


	3. Chapter 3

**Pulp   
-  
Naruto**

**The Third Chapter by DARCKREDD**

"She passed out," said Naruto, sourly. Hinata lay limp in his arms. He was ignored by Sakura and Sasuke, who still had their guns trained on one another.

"Why'd you do it, Sasuke?" snarled the pinkhead. "I thought-"

"Please," said Sasuke, sarcastically. "You thought that sex would ever come between me and my work? You're a fool, Sakura."

Sakura made an indistinct growling noise. "You're a monster."

Sasuke seemed to think was hysterical. "Me? _A monster?_ No more than you are, _mi vida_."

"I feel like I walked into this movie kinda late," said Naruto, his hand ranging beneath Hinata's skirt.

The subway's brakes squealed. As it slowed, Sasuke and Sakura instinctively looked towards the greater station.

Hundreds of civilians were standing on the platform.

"Wait for it…" Naruto began.

The doors slid open. The first few people saw the corpses. A great deal of screaming and general panic ensued as people trampled one another in horror. Naruto (with Hinata piggybacking) and Sasuke piled off of the mono and hurried into the crowd.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" demanded Sakura.

"Away from the crime scene?" offered Sasuke. He melted into the mob.

-

**ON A TANGENTIAL NOTE**

_Ten years ago…_

Little Lee sat on the floor, watching _Shogun Assassin_. He was in a suburban household on the edge of Kohona, with the sort of cookiecutter architecture so common in the modern age.

"Lee," said his mother, quietly, "There's someone here to see you."

Lee turned around, his buggish eyes inflicting general horror on anyone who saw them unexpectedly .

Standing in the parlor was a man in a ninja outfit complete with headband. He had white hair that suck up in defiance of all physics. Only one of his eyes was visible beneath his black mask.

"Lee, this was Kakashi Hatake. He served with your father in the war."

"Hello, mister," Lee said, rotely.

Kakashi remained silent for a moment. "Hello, little man. I've heard a lot about you over the years," he said, warmly. "See, I was a good friend of your father's. He would talk about you a lot, even though you had only been a little baby when he went off to fight. We were in that Sound pit-of-hell for four years together. And while were there, he told me the story of this gold watch." He produced said watch from his pocket. It seemed thoroughly unremarkable, and Lee did not excite himself over it. "Your granddad bought this watch at the end of the Great War, and carried it through all the battles. When he came back from the war, he gave it to your father. Unfortunately, your father's luck wasn't as good as your granddad's, and he was captured by the Sounders, along with me. Since the Sounders were taking anything of value, he had to hide the watch in the only place they wouldn't look… up his ass. He carried that watch up his ass for four years, until they executed him… and he made me vow to return that watch to you. I'll tell you, it looked bad when they found me fishing around a dead man's anus for a gold watch… but that's beside the point. I carried that uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years before they released me… day in, day out… and now, I give the watch to you."

Hatake offered the watch to Lee. There was a silence.

"Did you wash it?" asked Lee.

-

**MEANWHILE**  
_The Present_

"Hey," said Naruto. "It's been a long time since we saw Sakura."

"Yep."

"Are you finally gonna tell me what happened to her?"

"Naruto, there are things you're better off not knowing."

"I want to know what happened to Sakura." He paused. "Right after you tell me what's in the briefcase."

Sasuke looked over the landscape. "Sakura, you, and me… remember the old days, Naruto? When we were just three kids, dreaming of being ninjas?"

"Yeah…"

"Man, I want those days back. I want the three of us, again, just three hoodlums being taught by a man who we could barely understand because he had a piece of cloth over his mouth. I wish none of this had happened."

"Don't get all depressed on me," said Naruto, sourly. "You do that sometimes, and let me tell you, it's pretty damn obnoxious."

"You're one to talk," muttered Sasuke. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is… I don't want to tell you, because I don't want your memories of those times to be soiled."

There was a silence.

"What the _fuck_ does that mean, Sasuke?"

There was another silence.

"Alright, Naruto. You asked for it. Do you want to know what happened to Sakura? I'll tell you. Kakashi and I killed her."

Naruto froze. "_What?_"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"She was getting cold feet. Didn't like where the clan was going."

"But… you killed her?!" demanded Naruto, outraged.

"Makes you wonder where all that 'don't abandon your friends' shit went," added Sasuke, wearily. "I'd like it back."

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two for the rest of the walk home.

-

The two returned to the headquarters. As they walked through, they caught sight of a few old friends hanging in the lobby. Kakashi and Tsunade were conspiring in a corner. Kakashi took the opportunity to wave to Naruto, but Tsunade seemed miffed.

As they entered the waiting room connected to the Hokage's office, Sasuke spoke. "Hey, you figure they're doing it?"

"Who?" asked Naruto.

"You know, Kakashi and Tsunade."

"Dude, I don't even want to _think_ about that."

"What? Got a crush on Kakashi?"

"Shut the fuck up."

They both did. Naruto carefully arranged Hinata onto a chair.

The Hokage's door opened. A young man with a bowl cut and freakish, bug-like eyes stepped out, wearing a green vest and jump suit. Naruto and Sasuke stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Remember, Lee," the Hokage said, from inside the office. "You go down in the third round. You get me?"

"I understand, Hokage," said Lee, formally.

"Good. Next!"

Sasuke and Naruto entered the office. It was an imposing room, with a vaulted roof and elaborate gothic architecture. The boys could not help but shiver whenever they entered. The Hokage sat behind his steel desk, hands folded in front of his face. He stared from behind orange sunglasses, concealing his eyes.

"Umm… hello sir," opened Naruto. Sasuke raised the briefcase. "We got it."

"I see that."

"Umm… if you're wondering about the commotion…" began Naruto.

"Commotion?" asked the Hokage. "Is that what you kids call it?"

"Now, let us explain-"

"Give me the briefcase," said the Hokage, his voice icy.

Sasuke crossed the long hall, shoes clicking on the metal floor. Sasuke stopped in front of the desk, looking down on the elderly Hokage. Slowly, he placed the briefcase on the desk. For a few moments, he and the Hokage stared at each other. Then, Sasuke turned and walked away.

As he and Naruto left the office, Naruto turned on him. "And just what the hell was that about?" 

"I dunno," said Sasuke. "Something felt weird about him."

"Felt- felt _weird_?!" Naruto spluttered. "He's the Hokage! You don't get into staring matches with the goddamn Hokage! It's just not done! What is _up_ with you?" They walked through the waiting room, down the spiral staircase that led the lobby.

"You know how you see one of those crazy robots that look so real that they look fake?"

"Huh?"

"It was like that."

"Are you saying the Hokage is a terminator? Because if you are, I know you are officially crazy, man. If we had fucking _ninja terminators_, we would rule the world!"

"Naruto, you're an idiot."

They reached the main building again. The clan's headquarters was a two-story building, filled with ninjas going about their daily business."

"What now?" asked Naruto.

"I dunno, want to grab a bite to eat?"

"Sure."

They descended the escalator. As they passed the ramen bar, Naruto suddenly broke in, "What do they call ramen in the Land of Water?"

"Ramen, you idiot. You've been there."

"Well, what do they call the udon noodles?"

"Royale with cheese."

"Wait, what?"

They got off the escalator and walked towards the ramen bar. When Naruto turned up empty pockets, Sasuke paid.

As they slurped ramen and talked over the events of the day, a silent presence crawled up on them. It was an almost undetectable fog, slowly crawling forward. It advanced on the two ninjas, with malice in its heart…

"Hey Kakashi," said Sasuke, through a mouthful of noodles.

The mist took the form of a tall, grey-haired man, with most of his face concealed by a black cloth.

"Sasuke, Naruto," he said, formally. He took a seat beside Sasuke.

"How're you?" asked Naruto, between slurps of ramen.

"I need to talk to you kids," said Kakashi.

"Huh? Why?"

"It's important. We can't discuss it here."

"Well," said Naruto, loudly, "It obviously isn't drugs, prostitution, illegal jutsus, or weapons, since we would discuss those here. So-"

"Keep your voice down," snapped Kakashi. He took a few moments to recover himself. "It's to do with the Hokage. There's something going on."

"I told you," said Sasuke, to Naruto.

"I wish you to attend a meeting tomorrow night. Just… a meeting among friends."

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other and shrugged.

"Fine," they said in unison. Kakashi pushed a note towards them, listing a time and a place, and then vanished, as ninjas are wont to do.

"You know," said Naruto, matter of factly, "I can't shake the feeling that I forgot something."

"You have your keys?"

Naruto hunted through his pockets. "Yeah.

"Wallet?"

"Yeah."

"Dunno what it could be."

-

Hinata wandered down the spiral steps. "G- guys?" she called. Her voice echoed, sorrowfully.


End file.
